this thing called inner turmoil

May 27, 2014
I have been thinking a lot this past few days..

I kinda felt like there's no need to over-think anyway and just let myself go with the flow. Im causing myself depression, stress and too much pressure.

Well, this originates primarily to a possibility that I might pursue my teaching profession.  A co-teacher offered me a part time job in an international school which, I was like overwhelmed that this might be an opportunity for me to switch career in few months now as I'm already fed up and stuck with my current job. Why can't I let go of this job anyway? Well, no doubt that this has secured me financially. Who would have thought that I will receive this kind of compensation on this "just" kind of task? I deserve it though considering the length of service that I have rendered to this company but the task is just so easy and self-pampering plus not to mention the benefits that we got to enjoy.  Fulfillment indeed is not just about money, its about loving what you are doing and being passionate about it. I just wish someday, I'll strongly lift myself back up, take one major step and have a life totally different from where Im used to right now.


Since im not mindful about parallelism, the fact that this is an informal, self-contained diary...Im am diverting my topic into love.. what?? again??? lol.. pleadingly, please allow me... a lot of grin.. :D 

Im kinda not feeling well today as I felt this insecurity and no-assurance in my present relationship. Maybe I should learn to recognize that uncertainty is part of every relationship. True.. I should not expect more.  A person who truly loves does not need to be spoon-feed by what should and what not to do.

Im just tired that same issues being argued in the past repeat over and over again.

Just like what the saying says: Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with lies.

#justsayin

wishful thinking

May 24, 2014

There was once this lady who is passionate about love, life and destiny. She’s engaged in not-so-many relationship in the past, have had shed tears, overcome restless nights, gone through starring off to nowhere days, have once lost direction but now.. well, who would have thought that she will love again…the last time..

Well anonymously speaking, I have asked for this, I have prayed for this..It's probably not wise to assume but I’d like to confidently say, that this is an answered prayer. This maybe an ended statement but I want to treat this as my last..at least on my end.. (well what if its not?…every relationship is always accompanied by “what if’s.”)

What if he didn’t like/love me at all?

What if he’s just fooling or playing around?

What if he’ll find someone else better than I?

What if he’s eyeing on someone?

What if he’ll fall out of love?

What if we find a lot of differences?

What if in the long run, we find each other not compatible?

What if we don’t jive in ideas and beliefs? 

What if he still loves his ex?

What if he gets fed up by me bein like this and that?

What if I too? and vice versa?

But you know what, even if I enumerate em all and fill out this blog with my paranoia. It will just lead me to being mad, stress, bitter and halfway to insanity.

I may have thought of those but in contrary, my other side bears more weight than the former. I put my trust in Him. Life may seem opposite to what I expect and foresee, I may have a number of fears but God has its own way turn it into excitements, to make everything sweeter regardless the differences... that’s what I see in us.. You are different in many ways but I have learned to love that differences; the mood, the jealousy that I have dealt with, your being indifferent sometimes, you unmindful ways, your physical imperfections, your flaws.. its just amazing how God converts imperfections into something lovable to the eyes of the one who truly loves.. admittedly, I have loved everything in you, your bumpy tummy, your hidden, shy-type biceps and triceps (hahaha), your uneven toes and fingers, lol,,your not so lively hair, flat nose,  your fat face and hmmmm.... chai enough.. hahaha, he might punch me. 

Seriously, despite of too many despites, we will walk it through together, mahal..your footsteps will always be beside mine and wont leave you midway..

I am not to flatter you..Im not a Shakespeare type who will poetically express my love and gratitude .... this is my simple gift to you, my self, my truthfulness and my being true to you.. Him above as my witness.. to treat you as my man..my only man.. strong and mighty ...again, dont take it literal.. grin.


Im not a showy type in my past relationship. Im even afraid to express and show em my appreciation. I would rather keep my pride. . I will rarely make a move to fix or settle an argument..will never ever beg..nah.. but as i aged, i realized that its not healthy. There's no sweeter and thoughtful way than to being true to ourselves, right? 

Who wouldn't want a happy ending, fairy tale like story? My life may not be as such but I want it.............

     ......a happily ever after..... with you!

                                

May 23, 2014

In as much as I want to update this blog more often, I cudnt.. the mere fact that Im too lazy and I cant think of relevant topic to write. I was actually thinking to create another blog, maybe travel-related, business or money-making ventures. Something that’s worth spending time and effort with.

Cant think of any feasible, online, part time job this time..Aside from me feeling restless yesterday, my brain seemed empty and can’t even squeeze any single idea. 

Oh I remember....
there's this online job where you have to write an article and get paid for it....maybe politics, health, entertainment..etc.etc..probably an editorial type? opinionated or facts... but ughh I duno if my english, grammar and craft can suffice all that.. well im confident that I can come up with something,,I can produce not just an article..like this for example.. but pretty much nonsense... hehehe..just ask me to write all the kachurvahan, kadramahan, kaemotan and the like..and surely..il submit you not just pages but a compilation.. :D

How can I be productive..by the way??? 

May 22, 2014

Im so freakin sleepy!! 

My head is banging and my eyes are dropping like he**. 

My left brain is already unresponsive…cudnt think, cudnt type..i need a matchstick to support my 2 eyelids wide open.. all i want is to shut my eyes, lay my back and snore to death.. oh gosh help me survive this shift.